No Tears for the Past
by Musingsage
Summary: During a World Conference in 1899, America meets up with Russia in a park to break up with him.


A/N: I honestly hadn't planned on posting anything, but I was going through some old files and found this on my computer. Seemed a waste to keep it to myself, so here it is.

This is set in March 1899, about six months after the Spanish - American War.

* * *

Wrapped in a long wool coat, America pulled her scarf closer about her neck. Winter in Moscow isn't something she wanted to repeat anytime soon, but Russia was hosting the World Conference this year, so she found herself in Russia in March. God, there was way too much snow on the ground. There wasn't this much snow in frickin' Albany. How had Russia stayed sane growing up here? Depending on the Nations she spoke to, he hadn't. Rubbing her hands together through the gloves, she stood in the park waiting for him to show up.

As much as she wanted to be back inside, she didn't want any of the others spotting them together. So, she'd picked this park, four blocks from the conference center and the hotel they were all staying in. The distance, and what looked like the beginning of a snowstorm, would keep the others away. Well, maybe except England, he always kept an eye on her during meetings. But, she didn't think he'd follow her all the way here, and she thought she'd slipped out unnoticed. God, where was Russia? According to her watch, he should have been here by now. She understood that he always showed up late for meetings, as a negotiating tactic. This wasn't a negotiation, and she knew he knew that. She also knew he knew how much she disliked standing in the cold for too long. Just before she could get too impatient, she spotting him strolling down the path between the snow banks.

He beamed at her and wore an easy grin by the time he reached her. When he leaned down to kiss her on the check, she backed up and shook her head.

"Amelia, what is wrong?" Ivan frowned at her.

"This won't take long," she sighed, and however much she wanted to look away from him, she met his gaze. "This… us… it needs to end… I'm ending it, today, here."

While she'd known how much this would hurt him, she hadn't expected him to let her see it. He'd been on the outside longer than she'd existed. Oh, she knew how the others had picked on him, how the Golden Hoard had tormented him. He'd told her. He'd told her things he'd never told any of the others.

"Amelia? Why?"

"You were there for me during the Civil War. No one else even wrote to me, but you visited. You gave me a shoulder to lean on when everyone else, my own family, treated me like a pariah. I didn't attend World Conferences because no one wanted me around. No one except you. Please, know I could never make this decision lightly." She glanced away, trying to blink away tears. One of his hands brushed away one of her tears, and it took everything she had not to lean into that contact. Taking a deep breath, she continued, "I told myself I didn't need the others, that I didn't need England, Scotland, the lot of them. After all, I had a continent to explore. All I've ever done is hurt those I care about, first England, the Iroquois and the others, then Jonny, and now you. But…"

Despite what she'd told herself, sitting on the outside had hurt. It had eaten away at her over the decades, with only Russia offering her something beyond an official relationship. If she was honest with herself, that had been the whole foundation of their romance. Two outsiders looking in. It was only inevitable that something more than friendship would have developed.

She'd lost her outsider status. From now on, she'd start regularly attending World Conferences.

All those decades alone… Russia hadn't been enough to keep it from eating away at her. So, when England had come to apologize for cutting off contact, she'd forgiven him instantly. England had spent a whole year waiting for her to come back from her western states, and he'd burst into tears when he'd seen her. Seeing how much cutting off personal contact with her had hurt him had broken through her lingering resentment and anger. How could she tell Russia that? That she was leaving him because she didn't need him anymore? That she'd used him, the eternal outcast, like that left her nauseous.

When the next words caught in her throat, ever so gently, Ivan took her hand, "I love you, Amelia."

"I know, but… I've… developed feelings for someone else. And I won't emotionally cheat on you." If he ever found out that she'd lied to him… But, she couldn't tell him the truth. She just couldn't.

Slowly, sadly, he nodded, "Very well. Does he know that you are not a man?"

"Not yet," steadier, she shook her head, "We barely know each other yet."

"If he loves you, and accepts that you are not a man, I hope you find happiness." With nothing more to say, he walked away from her.

Alone in the park again, America steadied herself before returning to the hotel. Whether the cold had seeped to her bones or breaking his heart had frozen her internally, the wind felt colder. Maybe General Winter had overheard and was angry with her for breaking Russia's heart. Shaking her head, America walked briskly, by the time she reached the hotel she'd almost started running. A block away, she realized she hadn't asked him not to reveal her secret. Other than Russia, only her family, Mexico, and Belize knew she wasn't a guy. Before moving in front of the door to reenter the hotel, America took a deep breath and settled into her alternate persona. It wasn't Amelia, but Alfred who walked through the door, and loudly made bad jokes about snow in Russia.

Alone in her room, America shrugged off her coat and slipped out of her boots. This was for the best. She didn't love him, and she was no longer sure that she ever had. Besides, she was a rising superpower. No one else had the same level of industry and natural resources. She didn't need to trade for anything. No, she'd spent too long looking inward to her own continent, and contenting herself with meddling in the affairs of the Nations in her hemisphere, but she needed to start looking outward. Japan had gotten aggressive, and as the Philippines lived with her now, she needed to protect the weaker island Nation. Funny, she'd never been responsible for anyone's safety but her own before, and now she bore responsibility for Hawai'i, Philippines, Puerto Rico, Cuba, and Guam. Had she become the very thing she freed herself from? Had she become a colonizer?

Shaking her head, America sighed. For the moment she didn't see Japan causing her any trouble. It wasn't like he could actually hurt her. He could hurt the Philippines, but she wouldn't let that happen.

"America," Philippines stepped out of an adjoining room, "Is something wrong?"

"Hmm?" America blinked, and realized she was staring out of the window. She shook her head, "Nah, just thinking. Why don't you take Puerto Rico, and go hang out with some of the others? I want to be alone for a while."

The Philippines curtsied and left her alone. No, she hadn't become a colonizer. Colonial powers didn't take their colonies to World Conferences. What's what made the difference right?

God, she didn't know anymore. Rubbing the sides of her head, America sighed. Maybe this was why she'd really broken up with Russia because she needed to find her footing on the world stage unencumbered. Maybe she was just rationalizing breaking his heart, not because she still loved him, but because he was still an outsider.

When had life gotten so difficult?

* * *

Some notes on my headcanon:

America - She doesn't have a long established history of her own, and she grew up much, much faster than many of the other Nations. Because of this, despite being physically mature, she's still culturally immature, and this has left her with issues. So, like many teenagers, she's still figuring out who she is.

America and Russia are in a relationship because for a while US-Russian relationships were fairly decent, even into the early 1900s. Though, relations had gotten a bit strained by that point.

Why didn't America attend World Conferences? The Conferences are only in Europe at this time, and it took months to cross the Atlantic before steam engines were powerful and efficient enough to make the crossing. Why are the Conferences in Europe? Because of Imperialism. There's also that for a large part of the 1800s, the US didn't get involved in disputes that didn't involve them or Latin America. Yes, America did force Japan to open to foreign traders in the 1850s, but overall, the US stayed out of events outside the Western Hemisphere until the late 1800s.

Jonny - Confederate State of America, America and Canada's older sibling. He's still around, but America keeps him locked up as far from his original power base because she can't bring herself to kill him. It's my way of explaining why Reconstruction ended much, much sooner than it should have. In my headcanon, Nations only die when their cultures are subsumed into others, or another comes in, takes over their land, and physically kills them. Since much of Southern culture still existed at this time, largely the racism and groups like the KKK were keeping him alive, Jonny is still alive. In my headcanon, America smothered him with a pillow in 1965. She cried when she did it, but because of the horrors her cowardice inflicted on her people - not because she was killing her brother.

Hawai'i - is their own character in my headcanon, because of Hawai'i culture was very well established when white people showed up the first time, and America decided not to kill her. They have a rocky, sometimes very, very rocky, relationship.

Iroquois and the others - the Nations representing the Native American cultures on the East Coast. The US had somewhat okay relations with them for a couple of decades, but as you all know, it all went horribly wrong. It'll still be a long time before she starts trying to fix things with them, but she still feels horrible about what happened.


End file.
